Skinny Bitch

Some light holiday reading that will help everyone with their new years resolution..

Skinny Bitch vs. Smoking
"Okay. Use your head. You need to get healthy if you want to get skinny. Healthy = skinny. Unhealthy = fat. The first thing you need to do is give up your gross vices. Don't act surprised! You cannot keep eating the same shit and expect to get skinny. Or smoke. So don't even try some pathetic excuse like, 'But if I quit smoking, I'll gain weight.' No one wants to hear it. Cigarettes are for losers. They are so 1989 and totally uncool. Not only do they screw up your whole body chemistry, but they kill your taste buds. No wonder you eat shit and garbage. Smoking's out. Give it up."

Skinny Bitch vs. Booze
"Of course it's easier to socialize after you've had a few drinks. But being a fat pig will hinder you, sober or drunk. And habitual drinking equals fat-pig syndrome. Beer is for frat boys, not skinny bitches. It makes you fat, bloated, and farty. Why do you think when kids go away to college they gain the 'freshman fifteen'? Beer, duh. Alcohol isn't any better. It raises the level of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, wreaking havoc on the digestive process... Hence, bloated fat-pig syndrome."

Skinny Bitch vs. Soda (Pop)
"Brace yourselves girls: Soda is liquid Satan. It is the devil. It is garbage. There is nothing in soda that should be put into your body... Last time we checked, sugar, found in soda by the boatload does not make you skinny! Now don't go patting yourself on the back if you drink diet soda. That stuff is even worse. Aspartame (an ingredient commonly found in diet sodas and other sugar-free foods) has been blamed for a slew of scary maladies, like arthritis, birth defects, fibromyalgia, Alzheimer's, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes. When methyl alcohol, a component of aspartame, enters your body, it turns into formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is toxic and carcinogenic (cancer-causing). Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don't fucking drink it. Perhaps you have a lumpy ass because you are preserving your fat cells with diet soda...Say goodbye to soda and hello to a sweet ass."

Skinny Bitch vs. Coffee
"'Don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee.' Uhm...pathetic! Coffee is for pussies. Think about how widely accepted it has become that people need coffee to wake up. If you can't wake up without it it's because you're either addicted to caffeine, sleep deprived, or a generally unhealthy slob. It may seem like the end of the world to give up your daily dose, especially if you rely on Starbucks as a good place to meet men. But it's not heroin girls, and you'll learn to live without it."

(Exerpts from "Skinny Bitch" by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. The book then goes on to talk some crazy shit about how you have to be a vegetarian and avoid dairy and eggs so it can basically suck it, but these are funny.)